Father's Day Gift Hurdle: Extreme Self Reliance

Whomever you celebrate as a father on Father's Day, chances are, he can be challenging to celebrate with a meaningful gift - especially if he is extremely self reliant.

This proud provider likely has a car, an internet connection, and a credit card. For those of us trying to buy him a gift, that is a dastardly trifecta.

This dad sees something he needs and buys it. Something he wants? He goes ahead and gets that too. And bully for him. He likely works hard and deserves to meet his needs and enjoy some creature comforts from time to time.

Additional complications:

• He has champagne taste and you have a tap water budget.

• He simply does not want or need more "stuff."

Lucky for you, I am here to help. Without further ado, here are my best ideas to help you clear this first hurdle while addressing the additional complications.

• Cold Hard Cash The money, of course, must be folded in origami shapes. Giving money can seem lazy or impersonal - like you didn't really put any time or effort into the gift. However, the time you spend cursing outloud trying to complete the origami will likely remind you of childhood memories, watching your dad expand your vocabulary while doing projects he probably should have called in a professional to take care of. As a bonus, this gift looks equally awesome whether it can almost cover two full gallons of gas or fill his whole tank.
  

• Gift Certificates - don't do this. You can...just don't. Why? On average, 20% of gift cards go unused. The gift card market is estimated to generate $447 billion in 2025. Using the 'ol move the decimal trick, 10% of $447 billion is $44 billion (we'll call the $700 million a rounding error). That means $88 billion dollars, intended to turn into self-selected gifts, is 100% corporate profit. If you are considering a gift certificate, just send me the money and some content parameters (funny, dirty, specific names to include, etc.). I will send him a poem. Sending me your money will guaranteed it is turned into something that will make him smile. Not true almost a third of the time with a gift certificates.
  

• Tickets Ticket to anything - a concert, a movie, a play, a musical, a lecture, a stand-up comedy show. You pick, but there are two two rules that must be adhered to:

  • Be quick. If he really loves the act, he might beat you to the punch.

  • Be specific. Do not give a voucher or a TBD. Find out if he is available on a specific night and tell him to keep it open for you or, alternatively, buy the tickets for a show 6 months or more in the future and demand he plan his life around it once he opens the present.
    

• Food Subscriptions Does the Dad you are celebrating love pretzels and mustard? Voila. A mustard of the month subscription. Make a funny quip in the card presenting him with his subscription for his favorite pungent indulgence with a joke that that the pretzels are "on him" Of course it doesn't have to be pretzels and mustand, obviously. A simple search can find just about anything "of-the-month." Is a formal subscription too pricey? Go to your local grocer and grab a bag of pretzels and his favorite mustard. When you give it to him, pledge to bring him a "set" of snacks every month for a year - be as dramatic or funny or dull with this pledge as you like. Personally, I would go for a long scroll rolled up in a ribbon that unfurls like you came straight from the castle with a message directly from the king, but that's just me. If you don't live close enough to do that, set up your favorite online store to send him the food/food pairing directly every month. Keep in mind that subscriptions do not have to be managed by someone else. You likely have the ability to set up a recurring appointment on one of your devices that will remind you to follow through and, just like that, you have yourself a subscription. It can be super silly - like a Sour Patch Kid in the mail every month. Just like the cold hard cash, this can cost you as much or as little as you wish. The real gift, in case you are a little slow on the uptake, is the connection it reminds him of - the arrival of the expensive mustard, door-dashed pretzels, or smushed Sour Patch Kid is a monthly reminder of his connection to you. Other foods that most dads in my life seem to like, include:

  • Beef Jerky

  • Chips

  • Pickled Things

  • Sausage

  • Cheese

  • Barbecue Sauce
    

• The First Chapter If you have a flare for the creative, write and/or draw the first chapter of a story - real or imagined. Commit to providing him with a chapter on some sort of regular basis - the frequency is compmletely upu to you. This costs nothing but your time which makes it the most expensive, valuable gift on this list. Your story can be presented in physical form, digitally, or spoken out loud. Try to work in a cliff hanger if it is make-believe, and you score extra points if he is the hero (or at least a really cool bad guy).
  

• LEGO This is not for the faint of money, but LEGO is continually coming out with new sets, and, unless there is a lego-related childhood trauma, I don't know many men over 25 who wouldn't love a cool new LEGO set. I hang out with a fair number of intellectual/geeky/theatrical folks, so please take that under consideration. As with any piles of $700 million in cash you find sitting around due to rounding errors, you are welcome to send me any LEGO sets your padre decides he doesn't want. I will make sure they find a good home (which will be mine - my home).
  

There you have my best ideas for clearing the hurdle of the extremely Self-Reliant Father. Feel free to comment with your own ideas in the comments.

To be clear, I am not sponsored by anyone. If you sign up for the mustard of the month club, they will be grateful. I will never know. LEGO needs no help from me. I mean, I would be happy to take free LEGO from LEGO, but I would tell you if that was what was influencing my decision.

Please note, I welcome LEGO to influence me. Pretty please.